


Dazed and Delirious

by SparklyRainbowRain



Category: Villainous (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Character Swap, Delirious AU, Drunkenness, F/M, Fluff, Humor, Kind of a family dynamic, possible future angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-25
Updated: 2017-12-25
Packaged: 2019-02-17 20:52:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,481
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13085145
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SparklyRainbowRain/pseuds/SparklyRainbowRain
Summary: A holiday story for Delirious, a swap AU with Demencia as the boss and a power-drained Black Hat as the hired assassin, with 5.0.5. and Flug switching places with each other as well.





	Dazed and Delirious

**Author's Note:**

> In this story, the kind Dr. Blume tries to prevent Pestilence from kissing their boss under the mistletoe.

If Green Hood had to pick one day that she hated the most out of the entire year, it would be Christmas.

It was bad enough that this candy-coated, downright _infantile_ mess of good will and gift giving—preceded by a whole month of preparation and "holiday spirit"—was an annual fatal blow for the average villain looking to snuff out the hope of innocent civilians, but the real icing on the cake was that it was also a time of...

...togetherness.

Ugh! Just the thought of that word got her stomach turning. Sure, it wasn't as serious as Valentine's Day in terms of intimacy and romance, but it was definitely a close second in her book.

Every year, Pestilence made it his personal goal to try and steal a kiss from her under the mistletoe. That half-dead creature somehow had it in his mind that one kiss was all it would take to win her heart forever, and to make things worse, no matter how many times she set fire to those stupid parasitic plants, they'd always pop up in the doorways again whenever she wasn't looking.

Propping her feet against her perfectly shined mahogany desk, Green Hood searched for a possible solution to her problem. Even with his limited power, Pestilence was hard to get rid of; his broken mind was a breeding ground for unstable, almost animalistic obsession. No matter what stood in that idiot's way, he'd cut through the obstacles like they were nothing. While she could usually handle his typical advances with relative ease, she knew that she had to be especially careful around this time of year. Besides, with Green Hood's luck, she was bound to have one of her "episodes" soon. She couldn't afford to be near him in that kind of condition. What she needed, although she hated to admit it, was a little help.

And she knew just where to find it. ~~~~ ~~~~

* * *

Tucked away in his cozy, brightly-lit laboratory, Dr. Blume was hard at work on his latest project: a sprayable solution that, when complete, could knock out an adversary within seconds. Aside from 7.8.7., this product was the most non-violent thing he'd ever made. Villains could use it to render heroes unconscious but otherwise perfectly healthy and citizens could buy a bottle or two to fend off their insomnia. Smiling at his subtle prevention of evil, he prepared to dispense the final chemical.

As he began to ready his dropper over the beaker of shimmering green fluid, he saw a bright flash of light from the corner of his eye. Jolting upright in surprise, his hand instinctively seized up and poured the entirety of the dropper's contents into the beaker.

" _Wonderful_ ," he muttered. Countless hours of hard work all for nothing. One slip up and the entire solution was...

Perfectly fine. The liquid in the beaker had brightened to an almost clear shade of yellow and had become stable. Blume sighed with relief.

"Don't get too comfortable, Doc," a familiar voice called out from behind him. "I've got another job for you."

Recognizing that the intruder was none other than Green Hood herself, Blume turned around and wilted. She was probably there to replace his current experiment with a bigger, more dangerous one with an even shorter deadline. Now he wished that he'd engineered a reverse knock-out solution to keep him working without falling asleep.

"What... what is it you need, boss?" Blume asked, his nerves driving him to fiddle with the collar of his lab coat.

"Good question," Green Hood said, her expression flat. "I need you to use that big brain of yours and keep our little guard dog busy until..."

She paused and glanced at her wrist, seemingly reading a nonexistent watch.

"Tomorrow. As long as I reach the twenty-sixth of December without any _snags_ , I'll be fine. And, by extension, **you'll stay in one piece,** " she added, the whites of her eyes taking on a more golden hue before fading back to normal. "I want you to do whatever it takes to keep him away from me. Got it?"

Dr. Blume swallowed thickly before nodding. "Yes, ma'am."

"Great." She grinned, her lips turning upward at much sharper angles than the human anatomy would typically allow. "I'll be in my office. Don't bother me."

On that note, she disappeared into a pillar of neon green flames that shot upwards out of the ground with a forcefulness similar to that of a waterspout. Blume noted with dull surprise that her grand exit had created a scorch mark on the ceiling, which he was certain that he'd have to clean up later thanks to his now completely packed schedule. On the bright side, maybe 7.8.7. would take care of it later while he dealt with Pestilence.

"Blume!"

Speak of the devil.

The disheveled assassin poked his head through the gaping doorway, tilting it this way and that, before skittering into the room on all fours like an insect. Sniffing the air and squinting into every dark corner of the lab, his attention once again settled on Dr. Blume and he crawled to the scientist with an unbreakable determination, growing closer and closer until the two were only inches from each other.

With some effort Pestilence drew to his full height, looking down at Blume with a giddy excitement in his eye. Finally, he spoke.

"I heard Green Hood's musical voice! Is she here?" he asked, desperation clear in his tone.

Blume shrugged. "Sorry, you just missed her. But hey! We don't need her around to have fun, right?"

Pestilence frowned. "I need to see her. She doesn't deserve to spend the holiday season alone!"

Blume wanted to point out that Green Hood both deserved and wanted some alone time, but he decided against it. As his gaze drifted to the beaker on the table, Blume had a better plan.

"You know what? You're right. Let me just put away this _very_ _delicate_ _concoction_ since I'd HATE for anything _bad_ to happen to it." Hoping that he wasn't being too obvious, he reached for the knockout solution with the patience of a mighty tortoise.

Predictably, before his gloved fingers could touch the glass, his experiment was snatched away by Pestilence's eager hands.

"I don't know what this is but it looks bloody delicious!" he said, swishing the beaker like a glass of wine before downing the whole thing in one gulp.

 _Well._  Blume thought, having not expected him to drink it all. _At least I wrote down the formula before preparing it. N_ _ow I just need to wait._

Seconds passed, and Pestilence was somehow still awake. Even so, Dr. Blume noticed that the solution was beginning to affect the creature in a different way; his blinking became slower, his posture was even worse, and his manic grin had softened to an almost human-looking smirk. It was the most relaxed that Blume had ever seen him. Pestilence opened his mouth to say something, but he seemed to lose his train of thought midway.

"Are you okay?" Blume asked, somewhat concerned for his coworker’s safety. He hadn’t accounted for what would happen if the subject remained conscious. With Pestilence’s wildly different anatomy, the side effects could be catastrophic.

Indifferent to potential danger, the creature stared blearily at Blume before giggling like a child. “You worry too much,” he replied, waving his hand as if to shoo away the doctor’s doubts. Blume couldn’t help but notice that his speech had also become a bit more blended together, almost like the knockout spray had caused him to sound half-asleep.

Actually, now that he thought about it, he swore he’d heard of this combination of symptoms before. The lack of focus, the slurring, the calmer attitude…

_Oh._

He could hardly believe it. That highly concentrated sleeping solution had made Pestilence _tipsy._ And Blume was going to have to deal with him all day.

* * *

 

When Blume finally snapped out of his shock, the metaphorical gears in his brain started turning to work on a way to handle this problem.

He was thoroughly aware of the behavior and characteristics of those who were under the influence. What he was _not_ familiar with, however, was Drunk Pestilence. All he knew was that, as a precautionary measure, Green Hood had always hidden the household’s alcohol supply from him, storing it in one of the mansion’s many forbidden rooms and guarding it with lethal traps of all shapes and sizes. If this fact wasn’t a red flag, Blume didn’t know what was. If he was going to stand in Pestilence’s way of his true love, he needed to proceed with utmost caution.

"So,” Blume began, trying to think of the least provocative thing that he could say. “I couldn’t help but notice that you look kind of… under the weather. Possibly because you drank my experiment,” he added under his breath. “Maybe we could settle down and… watch a holiday special or something. I _am_ on break.” Blume gave him an unsure smile that he hoped would seal the deal.

Pestilence blinked, apparently attempting to process Blume’s request in his mind. “Hol’day shpecial?” he asked in a hollow echo, absentmindedly scratching at the metal band of his top hat.

“That’s right. Seasonal programs that portray the spirit of the holiday season.” Blume explained. “But you should know about those. You make fun of them every year.”

“Shhhhh,” Pestilence said, pressing his hand gently to Blume’s face. The scientist shuddered, thinking of how easy it would be for Pestilence’s claws to scratch his eyes out. “I know that I know. ‘m trying to remember,” he continued. “Didn’ come in here to talk t’ _you_.”

 _Oh, dear._ _He’s figuring it out._

Blume forced a laugh, removing Pestilence’s hand and patting his shoulder good-naturedly. “Don’t be silly! You know you love seeing what I’m up to, _especially_ when you’re bored. Right now, for instance! There’s no shame in hanging out with a fellow employee on a lovely day like this!”

As a look of realization dawned on Pestilence, Blume realized that he’d said something wrong.

“Hanging…” He muttered, his eye widening slightly. After a while, he grinned and snapped his fingers--or, more accurately, tried and failed to snap his fingers, making the right general movements without producing a sound. “I w’s hanging missile- mistletoe! F’r Green Hood! I have t’find her right now!” With inhuman speed he began searching the laboratory, moving in such a frantic way around the monitors, work desks, and pots of fake flowers that it gave Blume the impression that Pestilence expected Green Hood to be hiding here, just out of sight. Although it was likely that his hunting would tire him out a little, Blume knew that it wouldn’t take long for Pestilence to want to leave the room and search the rest of the house. With that in mind, he began brainstorming possible distractions before he ran out of-

“She’s not in here!” Pestilence whined. Out of frustration, he knocked an empty flask to the floor, shattering it to pieces, while Blume resisted the urge to cry.

“I’m leaving th’ room and searching th’ rest of th’ house!”, Pestilence declared. He then drunkenly stumbled out of the room as fast as his shaky legs could take him.

Blume pursed his lips and stared dejectedly at the empty doorway for a moment. “Of course. Why make things easy for me?” he finally complained to himself, following Pestilence through the mansion.

With his inhibited speed and half-conscious state, it was child’s play to track the employee down. In fact, all Blume needed to do to keep up with him was jog at a relatively brisk pace. By the time he rounded the corner into a winding hallway, the doctor had gathered enough speed to be within arm’s reach of him. He swiped at the back of Pestilence’s shirt, causing his pace to slow to a leisurely speed walk.

Pestilence peered at Blume over his shoulder and gave him a quick wave. “Hullo, Blume,” he mumbled, nodding to the scientist. “‘m a bit too busy t’stay an’ chat. We c’n talk...after I have my kiss.” To prove his point, he reached into his shirt pocket and produced a sample of mistletoe with a string attached, dangling it above his head before sliding it back into his pocket.

Blume gulped. _Im sure it’s fine,_ he assured himself. _There’s no way he’ll find Green Hood’s office in his state._

“Ah, h’r office is close!” Pestilence said, beaming at him. “Only one room b’tween _me,_ and her door.”

A brief look around told Blume that Pestilence knew what he was talking about; they were inside one of the manor’s many display rooms, this one being the place that connected to their leader’s office and private quarters. Blume was certain that if they so much as spoke too loudly next to Green Hood’s double doors, there was no way that they’d walk away unharmed. Now, if Pestilence disturbed her…

Blume shivered. He had to find a way to stop him _immediately._ He looked past the ornate columns and glass cases, desperate to find something to aid in his efforts.

Nearby, cleaning one of their boss’s plaster busts, was Blume’s favorite biological experiment. He cooed with delight, swaying the duster back and forth in his beak.

“7.8.7., over here!” Blume called out to the gigantic bird. “We’ve got to stop him from knocking on those doors!” He pointed to the wide oak gateway to the office not far from their positions, where muffled shrieking could be heard from the other side.

Dropping the duster in surprise, 7.8.7. became a blur of brown as he scrambled in front of Pestilence, using his great size to shield them from both the office and their certain doom.

Blume sighed with relief. “Good boy,” he said, reaching up and scratching his creation’s chin.

Unlike the doctor, however, Pestilence was far from pleased. “Hmph! Go ‘way!” he growled. Apparently believing that he was strong enough to move something more than twice his size, he pushed 7.8.7. with all of his might, his efforts causing his worn shoes to slide uselessly against the hardwood floor.

“Stupid bird.” Pestilence said with a weak glare, giving 7.8.7. a half-hearted kick. “Always...getting in my…” He trailed off, his body suddenly going slack against 7.8.7.’s fluffy wall of feathers. The bird chirped happily and sat down, pulling Pestilence and Dr. Blume into a group hug.

In seconds, Blume could hear soft snoring coming from Pestilence. It looked like he had finally fallen asleep. Never wanting to move from his spot, he couldn’t help but smile.

He was finished with work, they were safe from Green Hood’s wrath, and the three of them were together for the holidays.

**Author's Note:**

> The Delirious AU was created by yours truly. If you want to see more content pertaining to this AU or if you have questions you want to be answered, my tumblr is sillyvillains.tumblr.com


End file.
